Could you be experiencing anticipatory grief?

Grief is still a largely misunderstood yet something we will all, sooner or later, have to deal with. If I were to ask you what you grieve the first thing you would likely think of is bereavement, but did you know that there are over 40 significant life losses that we grieve?

If you think about grief as the conflicting emotions that arise by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behaviour you’ll start to notice that we grieve many losses. These may include the end of romantic and family relationships, career, identity and health to name just a few.

Grief, whatever the cause, is completely natural and normal. To think about grief in stages is not helpful because everyone’s experience is unique to them and their relationship with the loss.

Often in the cases of terminal illness, dementia or where significant change is inevitable you are likely to experience what is known as anticipatory grief (also known as preparatory or pre-death grief); grief that occurs when you are expecting a loss by death of a loved one or a significant life change. It is real, valid and deeply personal.

Anticipatory grief is often unrecognised. If you experience unhelpful comments such as “at least their still here” it will diminish your loss making it harder for you to acknowledge, feel and share your difficult feelings.

How do you know if you are experiencing anticipatory grief?

Whilst everyone’s relationships and grief are unique here are some things that may help you recognise if you’re experience anticipatory loss:

If you, or those around you, don’t acknowledge what you’re going through feelings of guilt or shame or even pressure to “be strong” (one of the myths of grief) are more likely to come up for you.

What can you do to help yourself if you are experiencing anticipatory grief?

Firstly, be compassionate with yourself. You are going through a lot and grieving loss, or change is completely natural and normal. Acknowledge how you are feeling and give yourself space to feel it. Journalling can be very helpful to document and process your emotions in your own time.

Take care of yourself, try to get good quality rest and engage in activities that bring you comfort and safety.

Spend time with your loved one and, if it feels right for you, tell them how much they mean to you. Grief is often associated with undelivered and incomplete emotional communication.

Find someone to talk to work through how you are feeling; this may be a friend, a professional like myself, or a group of people that will understand.

Prepare for the future; again, if this feels right for you having open conversations about end of life wishes and plans can bring peace. Also consider preparing yourself for the future by processing your loss and secondary losses to help you move beyond the pain.

Remember; just because others may not acknowledge it doesn’t mean your grief isn’t real. Give yourself grace because you are doing the best you can!

The aim is not to “fix” yourself, the key is to build your toolkit to better navigate yourself and your emotions so that you can function in a way that is authentic to who you really are.

If this sounds like you and you would like to explore working together, I offer a free, no obligation introduction call for you to tell me more abut your grief and I can share more about what I do.

From my heart to yours ❤

Clare

Clare Spiers, Advanced Grief Recovery Specialist

Clare works with the only evidence based (it’s proven to work) grief recovery programme in the world with grievers on a one-to-one either face to face or virtually. She also hosts free monthly grief walk and talks in Leamington Spa and hosts grief retreats. She has recently launched a grief recovery hardship fund to support those that do not have the financial capability to access her programme. Her purpose is to help people understand grief, discover healthy grieving and give them the tools to begin moving beyond the pain.